Monday, April 4, 2011

Done.

I'm not ready to forgive. I don't know if I'll ever be.

I don't want to be married to someone who would take me for granted, who would have sex with another woman in my home, who would spend his nights making out with a woman in the car instead of at home where he belongs, who would carry on a relationship while his wife was at home caring for their five very young children.

I don't want this. I would rather be single than be with him.

But how can I make the distinction? How do I know I'm not saying this out of anger?

How do I know I'm making a wise decision?

And how can I live as a single mom of five children?

I have not had his emotional support for a long time. Since I was pregnant with our youngest and he began his affair. But it's scary to imagine being alone, when you've spent the last eight years of your life with someone.

I don't know what I want, but it isn't this. If I could have it my way, I'd be financially secure. I'd move with my children to a home in town, not out here in the country, and we'd spend our days the same way we do now - chores, crafts, cooking. I can imagine us sitting around a table in a different house, eating dinner and talking about our day. Just us.

But it isn't possible, financially. It sucks to be trapped and need a man. I don't want to need him. I certainly don't love him. But it still hurts what he did to me because I did love him for so long, blindly believing that he was a decent man.

Did you know that while he was having the affair he was also telling everyone he knew what a bitch I am? If you know me in real life you know this is about as far from the truth as possible. I gave him all I could give, was the best wife I knew how to be. He got plenty of sex, his meals cooked, the house cleaned, his ego massaged, everything. And it wasn't enough. And now he wants a second chance?

I have nothing more to give.

The damage is already done.

I am done.

2 comments:

  1. I would suggest figuring out what it would take to get out of the situation and not be dependant on him anymore. My husband didn't cheat on me, but he's a roayal asshole who is completely unemotionally available. I am working hard to get my life to a place where I could leave if I wanted to - I just want to have the feeling that I have the option, you know? I hate that part of why I stay here is because I know I couldn't afford to leave. That's not a very good reason to make things work with your s/o and I simply desire more than that.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it must be very hard. Just love those kids. Put your focus on the things in your life that are positive and that will grow.

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  2. Are you angry because he hurt you or are you angry because you still love him in some way? I had to ask myself that when Eric and I were done and when Michael and I got back together. Michel, I was angry for a long time because still loved him (after our college breakup). Eric, I was/am pissed in the righteous indignation/ betrayal way. (oh yeah, he betrayed)

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