Monday, April 4, 2011


I'm not ready to forgive. I don't know if I'll ever be.

I don't want to be married to someone who would take me for granted, who would have sex with another woman in my home, who would spend his nights making out with a woman in the car instead of at home where he belongs, who would carry on a relationship while his wife was at home caring for their five very young children.

I don't want this. I would rather be single than be with him.

But how can I make the distinction? How do I know I'm not saying this out of anger?

How do I know I'm making a wise decision?

And how can I live as a single mom of five children?

I have not had his emotional support for a long time. Since I was pregnant with our youngest and he began his affair. But it's scary to imagine being alone, when you've spent the last eight years of your life with someone.

I don't know what I want, but it isn't this. If I could have it my way, I'd be financially secure. I'd move with my children to a home in town, not out here in the country, and we'd spend our days the same way we do now - chores, crafts, cooking. I can imagine us sitting around a table in a different house, eating dinner and talking about our day. Just us.

But it isn't possible, financially. It sucks to be trapped and need a man. I don't want to need him. I certainly don't love him. But it still hurts what he did to me because I did love him for so long, blindly believing that he was a decent man.

Did you know that while he was having the affair he was also telling everyone he knew what a bitch I am? If you know me in real life you know this is about as far from the truth as possible. I gave him all I could give, was the best wife I knew how to be. He got plenty of sex, his meals cooked, the house cleaned, his ego massaged, everything. And it wasn't enough. And now he wants a second chance?

I have nothing more to give.

The damage is already done.

I am done.


  1. I would suggest figuring out what it would take to get out of the situation and not be dependant on him anymore. My husband didn't cheat on me, but he's a roayal asshole who is completely unemotionally available. I am working hard to get my life to a place where I could leave if I wanted to - I just want to have the feeling that I have the option, you know? I hate that part of why I stay here is because I know I couldn't afford to leave. That's not a very good reason to make things work with your s/o and I simply desire more than that.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it must be very hard. Just love those kids. Put your focus on the things in your life that are positive and that will grow.

  2. Are you angry because he hurt you or are you angry because you still love him in some way? I had to ask myself that when Eric and I were done and when Michael and I got back together. Michel, I was angry for a long time because still loved him (after our college breakup). Eric, I was/am pissed in the righteous indignation/ betrayal way. (oh yeah, he betrayed)