That time came for me last night.
For the first time in a long time, I feel true forgiveness and compassion for my husband. I see him for the imperfect, fallible, beautiful man that he is. I cannot continue holding my anger and hurt, and I can't just toss him out like a piece of trash. The fact is, we have a history together, a life that we've created, five amazing children that were conceived in love.
I look back at our relationship, the years we've had together, the struggles, the joys, the arguments, the laughter. And I realize that the good far outweighs the bad. This man that I married in haste - just six months after we met - is truly my soulmate. Is he perfect? Of course not, but neither am I.
I know it will come as a shock to many people when they learn that I've decided to give him another chance. I know my friends and acquaintances will think I've lost my mind, and they will try unsuccessfully to put themselves in my shoes.
They will think, "If my partner ever did that to me, I would be gone! I'd never stand for it!"
This is narrow-minded and prideful. I married him because he is the most amazing person I've ever known. A bad decision cannot and should not define him or our marriage. Love is bigger than that. True, selfless love is bigger than any negativity, no matter the situation.
A teacher that I respect very much, Lama Surya Das, said this, and I feel that it explains everything:
This is how we love, Buddha-style:
impartial to all, free from excessive attachment or false hope and expectation;
accepting, tolerant, and forgiving. Buddhist nonattachment doesn't imply complacence or indifference, or not having committed relationships or being passionately engaged with society, but rather has to do with our effort to defy change and resist the fact of impermanence and our mortality. By holding on to that which in any case is forever slipping through our fingers, we just get rope burn.
[Emphasis mine.]
It doesn't matter that others may not respect the decision I've made. They don't live my life; they don't know my heart. I love my husband. I love him tremendously, more than words could ever say. And I will stand by him and give him all I have to give until the day I die.
impartial to all, free from excessive attachment or false hope and expectation;
accepting, tolerant, and forgiving. Buddhist nonattachment doesn't imply complacence or indifference, or not having committed relationships or being passionately engaged with society, but rather has to do with our effort to defy change and resist the fact of impermanence and our mortality. By holding on to that which in any case is forever slipping through our fingers, we just get rope burn.
[Emphasis mine.]
It doesn't matter that others may not respect the decision I've made. They don't live my life; they don't know my heart. I love my husband. I love him tremendously, more than words could ever say. And I will stand by him and give him all I have to give until the day I die.
Whatever you do, we support you. I hope you are able to find peace.
ReplyDeleteYep. This is what life is all about.
ReplyDeleteRose, though I had never been at a true marital crossroads, something did happen a while back in my marriage that was very upsetting to me. In my search for comfort, I had stumbled upon some words that were very similar to this. It basically said if you put everything on trust, you will be disappointed, because no one is perfect. People will let you down because none of us is perfect. Love and forgiveness are bigger than that. I wish I could find the exact words again, because at the time, they were exactly what I needed to read. But I wish you the best as you work on this next leg of your journey.
ReplyDeleteKeisha