Thursday, July 28, 2011


The man I married came back for a few days, to celebrate our youngest daughter's 4th birthday.

I guess it went well. No one got hit, but Momma did drop a few F-bombs when he was acting like a fool.

Here is the shit I live with every day:

Me: I am SO FRUSTRATED! I have so much to get done! I have to make sandwiches for the party, clean up the--

Him: We'll be back.

Me: But ... what? I was just talking to you, why are you--

Him: We'll be back.

Me: What's going on here? I'm trying to talk to you about how I feel and--

Him: I SAID, we'll be back!!

And then he leaves.

We discuss this later. "I was only trying to help you by getting out from under your feet."

Okay .... but why did you have to "fix" it? Why couldn't you have just LISTENED for once??

Another example.

He acts like he's really into me sexually, but only at night. Fine. I get it, we have a whole bunch of kids.

But for the last few months i have been totally denying him any, and he gets frustrated (but thankfully, does not act like it, or I would probably dot his eyes.)

The other night I decided to share intimacy with him. As we were just barely getting started, one of the children woke up. He went to tend to her, and I laid there and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally after an hour or so I go downstairs to find him, and he's passed out on the couch.

Now why would I want to share that part of myself with you, if it's so meaningless that you just fall asleep, after spending months without getting any?

And then I say stupid things, the first things that pop to my head, and they don't help matters at all.

I said, "You know, there are PLENTY of men out there that would kill to be with me!!"

Is this true? Doubtful. But it wasn't nice to say. It didn't help matters any.

I am so sick of being lonely. I wish I could find a man who truly loves me. But if I'm 100% honest with myself, what I really want is for him to truly love me.

I don't think he knows how. And I don't know how to deal with that.

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