Thursday, June 16, 2011


I vacillate.

There are days when I am okay.

There are days when I am not okay.

There are days when my anger overwhelms me and I want to injure someone.

Some days I am angry with my husband, other days I am angry with the other woman.

I feel victimized. I feel traumatized.

I have a diagnosis of PTSD from this whole ordeal. He is very remorseful and says he never understood the depth of my love or how greatly this would affect me. He wants me to love him like I used to, but I can't.

I feel like my marriage ended on Feb. 24, 2011.

I don't know if we can work it out. I just don't know. If we do, I do know this: We will not have the same anniversary. If I can forgive and get past this, at some point we will renew our vows and that will be our new anniversary date. He doesn't like that. He says, "Doesn't anything we had before the affair mean anything?"

No, it doesn't. It was all a lie, leading up to him fucking a morbidly obese woman with a mullet and missing teeth. Did I mention she's old enough to be my mother? Did I mention they had a relationship that lasted a year and a half? Did I mention that she was the first woman he kissed, first woman he made love to in our new home? Did I mention that I am overwhelmed with the urge to commit revenge on both of them?

I tell myself - this woman, this situation - it's not going to take up any more of my thought life. I'm not going to give anything more to it. But it doesn't work out as easily as that.

I am praying to Tara for peace.

Oṃ Tāre Tuttāre Ture Svāhā

Just keep breathing, keep chanting, keep walking ... one foot in front of the other ...

I'm not dead yet and I thought for sure I would be by now.

I thought the pain would kill me.

I thought my own urges would kill me.

I thought, I thought, I thought ....

and yet

I'm still alive.

Still here.

Still hurting.

Still breathing.

Still thinking.

Still feeling.

Still loving.


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