Thirty.

I turn thirty next March.

That astounds me. I swear to you, I was twelve just a few months ago.

There are so many things I need to do before I turn thirty. I am actively planning these things and taking the necessary steps to accomplish them. I don't feel like I need to finish any of these things; mainly I just want to work on them and know that I gave it my best shot.

So here is my list.

1. Become an MMA fighter.
This might surprise you, since I am a pacifist Buddhist by nature and name. But I have always wanted to learn to fight in a ring, and I'm not getting any younger, so why not now?
But before I start training at the gym, I need to get into a little better shape. I'm starting tomorrow with a run and an upper body workout on my punching bag. It looks like this:


I am going to do this if it kills me. And it might. Probably I should get a physical exam to make sure I can even handle this kind of strenuous activity, but I think I can because I spend time chopping trees and moving rocks and digging and things like that. I even found a gym I can train with and it's not too expensive. If I get good maybe I'll participate in some fights, but that's not the current plan.

2. Stop biting my nails.

I have been an avid nail biter since I was three. By avid, I mean compulsive, and for all that time I have bitten my nails to the point of bleeding. I don't even have a nail on my right pinkie because I have bitten it completely off, right down to the cuticle.

I'm sick of it. I want to have pretty nails. Not long or even painted, just normal and healthy. I bought a product called Thum - you paint it on and it's supposed to taste terrible so you don't bite. Unfortunately, I don't think it's terrible. It's very spicy, but I eat lots of spicy foods so I'm used to it. If Thum were a salsa, I'd call it mild.

But so far the psychological aspect of "it might be really hot THIS time..." seems to be working. I'm on day three of not biting my nails, and let me tell you, I am going insane. Everything in me wants to bite bite bite .... but I'm determined not to. I am already seeing lots of growth and that's exciting. I have a self-hypnosis mp3 that I can use too, to help stop biting. I might try that tonight.

3. Find a Sangha.

I have not been able to find a good local sangha and it's all because of my silly insecurities. The ones near me are both run by Vietnamese monks and I have a fear that I won't understand their accents and they will laugh at me. When I type it out like that it seems REALLY stupid.... I am going to try to go to one this week sometime. Or maybe I should wait until I'm truly over the nail biting habit, because when I get nervous I chew my nails off without even thinking about it.

4. Learn forgiveness.

Speaks for itself. Discovering my husband's infidelity has really opened my eyes to how much I need to grow and cultivate my compassionate heart.