Lessons.

I read about and talk about and teach about pure love and forgiveness all the time, but I guess it never really clicked for me until recently.

The joy in my heart, having reached a place of pure, honest, golden forgiveness, is indescribable. I feel like my soul is bubbling, my heart is singing. I feel like everything is right in my world no matter what happened in the past or what may happen in the future.

Now to work on attachment. I need to meditate and cultivate non-attachment. This is a hard concept to explain, but I'll try my best.

Everything in this world is temporary. It is all fleeting - the good, the bad, everything. If we become too focused on any one thing (in my case, the good feeling I have right now), we remain caught up in the web of samsara. It is essential to become un-attached. We need to recognize all aspects of life as the impermanent illusions that they are, and accept them as such, or we will never find pure happiness. We will forever be grasping for that which cannot be reached and thus never attain a state of openness and understanding.

It feels better to be accepting, open, and receptive rather than struggling, reaching, seeking without finding. Not only that, but when we free ourselves from attachment and seeking, we can better give our love and compassion to the world and it's sentient beings. We begin to see the world as it really is, instead of stuck in our bubble of false ego. We see the connected nature of beings and can propagate unadulterated love.

When we begin to see our enemies as teachers, we have taken a step towards enlightenment. I never considered my husband my enemy, but his actions and my anger and pain were. But what an incredible lesson this pain and hurt has taught me - who would ever have thought I'd be grateful for it?

Forgiveness.

There comes a time where you come to a place in your heart of true forgiveness.

That time came for me last night.

For the first time in a long time, I feel true forgiveness and compassion for my husband. I see him for the imperfect, fallible, beautiful man that he is. I cannot continue holding my anger and hurt, and I can't just toss him out like a piece of trash. The fact is, we have a history together, a life that we've created, five amazing children that were conceived in love.

I look back at our relationship, the years we've had together, the struggles, the joys, the arguments, the laughter. And I realize that the good far outweighs the bad. This man that I married in haste - just six months after we met - is truly my soulmate. Is he perfect? Of course not, but neither am I.

I know it will come as a shock to many people when they learn that I've decided to give him another chance. I know my friends and acquaintances will think I've lost my mind, and they will try unsuccessfully to put themselves in my shoes.

They will think, "If my partner ever did that to me, I would be gone! I'd never stand for it!"

This is narrow-minded and prideful. I married him because he is the most amazing person I've ever known. A bad decision cannot and should not define him or our marriage. Love is bigger than that. True, selfless love is bigger than any negativity, no matter the situation.

A teacher that I respect very much, Lama Surya Das, said this, and I feel that it explains everything:

This is how we love, Buddha-style:
impartial to all, free from excessive attachment or false hope and expectation;
accepting, tolerant, and forgiving. Buddhist nonattachment doesn't imply complacence or indifference, or not having committed relationships or being passionately engaged with society, but rather has to do with our effort to defy change and resist the fact of impermanence and our mortality. By holding on to that which in any case is forever slipping through our fingers, we just get rope burn.

[Emphasis mine.]

It doesn't matter that others may not respect the decision I've made. They don't live my life; they don't know my heart. I love my husband. I love him tremendously, more than words could ever say. And I will stand by him and give him all I have to give until the day I die.

Work.

Work is therapeutic.

Instead of lying around grumbling and feeling sorry for myself and my situation, I prefer to work. I live in the upper midwest where spring means winter one day, summer the next, and back to winter again. So until yesterday I was doing a lot of busywork inside, sewing, mending, cleaning.

Yesterday was warm, and today too, so I spent all day raking, shoveling, weeding, burning, chopping, building, cleaning. I'm sunburned and tired. It feels good.

But as soon as I stop working, the pain comes back.


I am running out of things to do.

I don't want to live with hatred and pain. I want to feel better. I might feel better in a few minutes, or tomorrow. I do have moments where I feel better. I just wish there were more of the good and fewer of the bad.


It just goes to show the temporary nature of things.


I need a sign.

"Will work for peace of mind."

Swallows.

To me, the swallows represent perseverance. The swallow keeps going until it reaches its destination, sometimes flying for days, never giving up.

So now I am marked forever with swallows. I will never give up. I will never stop fighting, no matter what.

Done.

I'm not ready to forgive. I don't know if I'll ever be.

I don't want to be married to someone who would take me for granted, who would have sex with another woman in my home, who would spend his nights making out with a woman in the car instead of at home where he belongs, who would carry on a relationship while his wife was at home caring for their five very young children.

I don't want this. I would rather be single than be with him.

But how can I make the distinction? How do I know I'm not saying this out of anger?

How do I know I'm making a wise decision?

And how can I live as a single mom of five children?

I have not had his emotional support for a long time. Since I was pregnant with our youngest and he began his affair. But it's scary to imagine being alone, when you've spent the last eight years of your life with someone.

I don't know what I want, but it isn't this. If I could have it my way, I'd be financially secure. I'd move with my children to a home in town, not out here in the country, and we'd spend our days the same way we do now - chores, crafts, cooking. I can imagine us sitting around a table in a different house, eating dinner and talking about our day. Just us.

But it isn't possible, financially. It sucks to be trapped and need a man. I don't want to need him. I certainly don't love him. But it still hurts what he did to me because I did love him for so long, blindly believing that he was a decent man.

Did you know that while he was having the affair he was also telling everyone he knew what a bitch I am? If you know me in real life you know this is about as far from the truth as possible. I gave him all I could give, was the best wife I knew how to be. He got plenty of sex, his meals cooked, the house cleaned, his ego massaged, everything. And it wasn't enough. And now he wants a second chance?

I have nothing more to give.

The damage is already done.

I am done.