Happiness.

I have decided that I am going to choose happiness.

It has been almost four months since I discovered my husband's infidelity, and little has been accomplished. I've held onto my anger, lashing out at him periodically, plotting revenge against him and his mistress, killing myself inside over and over.

No more.

I am choosing to be happy in spite of my situation. When the pain comes - and trust me, it does - I notice it. I look at it, examine its source, and allow it to pass. I am choosing to be happy with all I have instead of mourning what I have lost.

Despite what he has done, I have a man who loves me. I have five incredible children. I have amazing friends and family who have stuck by me even in my darkest moments. I have a home and a car and running water and electricity. I can read, I can write. I am able to pursue my hobbies. I have a little dog who thinks I'm god. There is always enough to eat. I am a person worthy of love. I am physically attractive with a spirit to match. I have been blessed with experiences to share with the world.

I choose happiness, in spite of what life brings. Perhaps I'll get a divorce, or maybe I won't. It's not something I need to worry about in this moment. Right now, I'm going to be happy.

Thirty.

I turn thirty next March.

That astounds me. I swear to you, I was twelve just a few months ago.

There are so many things I need to do before I turn thirty. I am actively planning these things and taking the necessary steps to accomplish them. I don't feel like I need to finish any of these things; mainly I just want to work on them and know that I gave it my best shot.

So here is my list.

1. Become an MMA fighter.
This might surprise you, since I am a pacifist Buddhist by nature and name. But I have always wanted to learn to fight in a ring, and I'm not getting any younger, so why not now?
But before I start training at the gym, I need to get into a little better shape. I'm starting tomorrow with a run and an upper body workout on my punching bag. It looks like this:


I am going to do this if it kills me. And it might. Probably I should get a physical exam to make sure I can even handle this kind of strenuous activity, but I think I can because I spend time chopping trees and moving rocks and digging and things like that. I even found a gym I can train with and it's not too expensive. If I get good maybe I'll participate in some fights, but that's not the current plan.

2. Stop biting my nails.

I have been an avid nail biter since I was three. By avid, I mean compulsive, and for all that time I have bitten my nails to the point of bleeding. I don't even have a nail on my right pinkie because I have bitten it completely off, right down to the cuticle.

I'm sick of it. I want to have pretty nails. Not long or even painted, just normal and healthy. I bought a product called Thum - you paint it on and it's supposed to taste terrible so you don't bite. Unfortunately, I don't think it's terrible. It's very spicy, but I eat lots of spicy foods so I'm used to it. If Thum were a salsa, I'd call it mild.

But so far the psychological aspect of "it might be really hot THIS time..." seems to be working. I'm on day three of not biting my nails, and let me tell you, I am going insane. Everything in me wants to bite bite bite .... but I'm determined not to. I am already seeing lots of growth and that's exciting. I have a self-hypnosis mp3 that I can use too, to help stop biting. I might try that tonight.

3. Find a Sangha.

I have not been able to find a good local sangha and it's all because of my silly insecurities. The ones near me are both run by Vietnamese monks and I have a fear that I won't understand their accents and they will laugh at me. When I type it out like that it seems REALLY stupid.... I am going to try to go to one this week sometime. Or maybe I should wait until I'm truly over the nail biting habit, because when I get nervous I chew my nails off without even thinking about it.

4. Learn forgiveness.

Speaks for itself. Discovering my husband's infidelity has really opened my eyes to how much I need to grow and cultivate my compassionate heart.

Recovery.

Something is happening to me.

I'm calling it recovery.

Of course the pain is still there, and the anger. But it's different.

I feel empowered. I don't feel like the victim anymore. I was wronged, yes, but I'm not a victim.

I'm in a place where I can start to look at our marriage and the years leading up to the affair and try to find the cracks in our relationship that led him to stray.

I do not feel that the affair was in any way my fault. It was 100% his fault, all the way, no question about it.

However, people don't cheat in a perfectly good relationship. (Unless there is an underlying issue with the cheater, such as sexual addiction, which my husband does not have.)

There must have been a communication breakdown somewhere along the way. There was a reason he felt that I didn't love him, and there was a reason he didn't love me enough to be faithful. There had to be something there that led to this.

I don't know what that was. I don't claim to know what led to him straying, or how he was feeling for the months or years leading up to it. But I am finally in a place where I feel like we can work together to discover what the problems were, and maybe work on resolving them.

I don't know that I forgive him, and I certainly don't trust him. I don't think I'll ever trust him like I used to, but maybe I'll learn to trust him little by little as time goes by. I don't think I'll ever love him the way I used to, but maybe I'll learn to love him as we work together to fix our marriage.

Recovery. I never thought I'd be on this path.

Alive.

I vacillate.

There are days when I am okay.

There are days when I am not okay.

There are days when my anger overwhelms me and I want to injure someone.

Some days I am angry with my husband, other days I am angry with the other woman.

I feel victimized. I feel traumatized.

I have a diagnosis of PTSD from this whole ordeal. He is very remorseful and says he never understood the depth of my love or how greatly this would affect me. He wants me to love him like I used to, but I can't.

I feel like my marriage ended on Feb. 24, 2011.

I don't know if we can work it out. I just don't know. If we do, I do know this: We will not have the same anniversary. If I can forgive and get past this, at some point we will renew our vows and that will be our new anniversary date. He doesn't like that. He says, "Doesn't anything we had before the affair mean anything?"

No, it doesn't. It was all a lie, leading up to him fucking a morbidly obese woman with a mullet and missing teeth. Did I mention she's old enough to be my mother? Did I mention they had a relationship that lasted a year and a half? Did I mention that she was the first woman he kissed, first woman he made love to in our new home? Did I mention that I am overwhelmed with the urge to commit revenge on both of them?

I tell myself - this woman, this situation - it's not going to take up any more of my thought life. I'm not going to give anything more to it. But it doesn't work out as easily as that.

I am praying to Tara for peace.

Oṃ Tāre Tuttāre Ture Svāhā





Just keep breathing, keep chanting, keep walking ... one foot in front of the other ...

I'm not dead yet and I thought for sure I would be by now.

I thought the pain would kill me.

I thought my own urges would kill me.

I thought, I thought, I thought ....

and yet

I'm still alive.

Still here.

Still hurting.

Still breathing.

Still thinking.

Still feeling.

Still loving.



alive.