Saturday, May 7, 2011

First day.

I can't do it.

I am not a strong enough woman to forgive something as devastating as an 18 month affair, especially when I am being blamed for that affair.

I am not perfect. I made mistakes in our marriage. But none of those mistake warranted being cheated on, lied to, betrayed. I deserve better. Not because I'm someone special, but because I am a human being with feelings and a heart and I deserve to be cherished, like everyone else.

I cannot love my husband. But he deserves to be loved. I am at a point where I think it would be best for us to divorce and go our separate ways. He will be free of the responsibilities that drove him to fuck her for a year and half, and perhaps he will find someone who can love him despite his faults.

I have no plans of ever having another relationship. I know myself and I know my heart, and I am at a place right now, in this moment, where the thought of a relationship makes me sick. I suppose that could change. But it's not something I plan to ever pursue.

I feel like I need to focus on healing my heart so I can care for my children. I can't care for them very well when I'm grieving something that can't be brought back. I need to take steps to care for myself so I can care for others, and I need to make my own life.

It will be a very different life. It won't be the life I thought I had for nearly eight years. The dreams and goals I had need to be put on hold for now. Someday my children will be raised, and I can focus on those dreams at that time.

New goals need to be made. Here they are. This is just the order I'm thinking of them, not the order in which I plan to accomplish them.

1. Heal.
2. Forgive.
3. Divorce.
4. Get a job.
5. Learn to juggle five kids and a job and a home.
6. Be able to care for my children emotionally as well as physically while all of the above is happening.

I don't know how I'm going to do it. It doesn't matter at this point. I can't worry about what the journey looks like three miles from here; I need to concentrate on this first step.

The problem is, I don't know how to take the first step. What direction do I go? What do I do first?

I guess I need to take a gamble and just jump in where ever. I guess it can't hurt. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and then I take a different step. Nothing terrible will come from failure. I'm not trying to diffuse a bomb, I'm trying to fix what's been broken.

If you break a vase, you glue it back together. If the glue doesn't work, all you have is a broken vase. You haven't lost anything, you're just back at square one.

I am a broken vase. I need to fix me, and I have to take those steps.

Today is day one.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you have been put in this position of having to make the most difficult decisions, and I wish you the best.