Abuse.

"Psychological abuse makes me feel sad and hopeless. I can’t seem to find my future or joy. It robs me of energy and dampens my passion and excitement about life. I’ve never cried so much on the inside. I’m sorry that abuse puts my friendships under strain and that my ways of coping have caused friends to walk away. I want you to know these ways of coping are an attempt to actively resist abuse—even backing down and putting up with it. I’m not weak, a pushover or a doormat."


From this link:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/5674111/Jane%20McWilliams-psychological%20abuse.pdf

I am sorry for wanting to end my life earlier today. I have so much to live for. But sometimes it all seems to be too much.

Goodbye.

I truly think the world would be a better place without me.

Nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone. Everyone I have ever loved has betrayed me, lied to me, turned on me.

I've tried so hard to be a good person. I worked at my marriage and loved my husband with all my heart. I've remained neutral in arguments with family and done everything in my power to be a decent, good person.

And what I got in return was cheating, lies, backbiting, betrayal.

I don't expect perfection from people.

But I also don't expect to be treated like a piece of trash, and especially not from those who I love the most - my husband, my mother, my friends, my aunt.

I think it would be better if one morning they woke up and I wasn't here anymore. My presence in this world is not beneficial to anyone. Not a single person.

You might say, "What about your children?"

And I tell you this. In all the years I have been a mother, I have been called a bad one literally thousands of times. I have been threatened with CPS because of choices that I made, choices that did not affect my children in any way. I have heard the ranting for so long, what a horrible person and mother I am - from so many people. If one person tells you this you might be hurt or angry but it's been everyone close to me. And when everyone you know says these things, you need to look at your life and take notice. They must have a point.

My children would be better off without me.

I hope they can all understand where I'm coming from. I don't want to poison the world anymore.

Future.

All the years you have waited for them to“make it up to you” and all the energy you expended trying to make them change [or make them pay] kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life.

And still they may not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never change. Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get.

~ Lewis Smedes

Strength.

You might not notice it if you saw me. It's subtle. But I'm changing. I'm growing stronger every day, making decisions to do what I have to do.

I got a job. It's a good office job, with a courier company. Great people, potential for growth, and I'm good at it, which makes me really happy.

I got an apartment. It's a small little place, cute, affordable, in a safe neighborhood.

Things are changing inside me, and I'm not sure yet how or why, but one thing I can tell you is that a year ago today, when I was celebrating my son's first birthday, I had no idea that any of this would come about. Now as I celebrate his second birthday, everything is different. And that's okay.

I used to be complacent. I used to let life happen to me.

Now I am making my life happen.

I have finally taken charge of who I am, what I stand for, what I I want out of life. I don't know all the answers - I don't know where I will be a year from now. I don't know what the ultimate goal is. But I am okay with not knowing.

Life is not an easy road for anyone. But it's good, no matter what curves it throws us.

Rage.

I have spent the last 8 1/2 years being the subject of subtle, yet incredibly destructive, domestic abuse. Most of this abuse has been financial, social, and emotional.

After I discovered my husband's infidelity, I became the abuser. I was horrible to him for a period of around 6 months.

Psychologically, I think this is because I had endured so many years of torment and finally the ball was in my court.

He says he never intended to be abusive. It was the only way he knew how to show he cared.

But what he didn't understand was his jealousy, his control, his rage - it all made me feel like a child, or a caged animal. I could not take it any longer.

The hardest thing for everyone to understand is why I keep going back to him.

He is so sweet, so loving, kind, compassionate in between outbursts. But more importantly, he has brainwashed me to believe that I am worthless and that I cannot survive without him.

I see this sometimes, and I feel strong, and I feel like I can rise above.

But more often than not, these feelings overwhelm me and I get right back in to old patterns, thinking I can't do it. I can't survive. I don't know how. I need him.

Jealousy and control DO NOT equal love.

I don't want to be controlled anymore. I don't want to do this.

I want to be free, independent. I want to do my own thing.

This doesn't mean I want to meet another man. If I do, and he's truly a good guy, then great. But that's not what I want.

I want to have a bank account. I want to pay bills. I want to do my dishes in my kitchen sink and know that this is mine, instead of feeling like I am living in his house (which is how I have felt for many years.)

I don't want to feel guilty for things I can't control. If the car breaks down, that's not my fault. If the dog pees on the floor, that's not my fault. If the kids tear the house up while I'm in the bathroom, that's not my fault.

I don't want to live in fear. He doesn't hit me very frequently, but he often uses threatening gestures and facial expressions, or breaks things to intimidate me. I don't want to live like that anymore.

I don't want to have to check in everywhere I go.

I don't want him to follow my shopping trip in real time anymore. He always tracks where I am during the day by looking at the bank account to see where I used to debit card.

I don't want him to call me his fucking inventory anymore. What kind of nickname is that for someone you love!? He always calls me that - he'll be looking at me admiringly and I ask what he's looking at, and he always says "Just checking out my inventory."

It's not funny anymore. It's not cute. It's fucking disgusting and I don't want to do it.

Too Late.

Days and weeks and months go by, and not much changes.

It is not infidelity that ruined our marriage.

Infidelity was a nail in the coffin, but our marriage was shit long before I found out he had been cheating.

Post-infidelity, he was vicious, mean, abusive. He was a better husband while he was screwing her.

But he was never the husband I needed.

I was always forgotten on holidays (Mother's Day, etc.) I was never complimented. It was only in the last year or so that he started complimenting me.

I was controlled like a child - never allowed to do anything or go anywhere.

If I had the nerve to go anywhere without him, he would text and call constantly.

When I worked at a real job, years ago, he called me at work at least twice a day.

I was never allowed to handle the household finances. If I spent money whiel I was away from him, I had to account for every penny.

As soon as I would leave the house or go to bed, he would check my internet history and text messages. This continues even now.

Now, he's all lovey dovey to me. Compliments me, holds me, buys me little gifts.

But it's too late.

It's just too late for us.

Jealousy.

Years ago, I kept getting pregnant and having miscarriages. I wanted a baby sooo bad, and it just wasn't happening for me. During that time, pregnant women were EVERYWHERE ... on tv, in the grocery store, at restaurants .... I couldn't go anywhere without being reminded every second that I could not carry a baby.

I feel like that now.

Everywhere I go there are happy couples. They laugh, they joke, they share their "pearls of wisdom." Just like we used to do. I am so unbelievably jealous of these people who have found someone that loves them.

I want a new life. I want to be special to someone. I want to laugh with someone, I want someone to make me their priority. I am so sick of being alone. I have been alone, yet married, for years. He was always caught up in his own life, and he forgot about me. And then, in his perfect narcissist way, he turned it around to make it look like I was the one who forgot. I don't think he sees it even now.

There has to be more than this. This can't be all life is about ... there has to be more than sadness and loneliness. There has to be. Someday I hope I find it.